What does it mean to love?

While the rest of the world is concerned with financial stability, baseball, elections, or what be it – I find myself engrossed in an (arguably) more sober topic. Violence. Not towards me, to put loved ones at peace. But around me. Somehow in the past week I’ve crossed paths with quite dramatic violence a handful of times. Combine this with an unintended conversation on what the Bible says about war – and you have the ingredients that necessitate much mulling over and pondering.

The snowball of violence began slowly rolling in when my friend Chris emailed prayer letters from Guatemala. He was there doing work among imprisoned gang members. His talk of both the violence and the hope experienced have primed my outlook on the following encounters.

• A very interesting conversation about gangs with young men at the continuation school I've been teaching at.


• A disturbing conversation with a 16-year-old pregnant student. She looks to be 5-6 months along and it somehow offhandedly came up in class that her “babies daddy” (aka: Father of her child) was shot and killed recently by a gang-related incident. I don’t know which concerns me more – the fact that he was killed or that her remark was so flippant and un-emotive…like that’s just what happens.


• Two friends-of-friends were violently killed last Saturday. I’ll spare you the details.

One of the men killed is named John McGrahm. (click here for LA Times article) He was a homeless man who had been sitting on the same corner in Koreatown for years. Apparently he had piercing blue eyes and was a known and gentle presence in the neighborhood he inhabited. My friend Jonathan used to live nearby him and when he heard about what went down, he wanted a way to memorialize and celebrate John’s life. Jonathan created a poster using a portrait of John along with the letters RUOK (read: Are You Okay).

Making wheatpaste and heading out with Jonathan late Sunday night seemed like a burden when I could have easily been in bed sleeping. But it ended up being a solemn and hopeful activity that I feel privileged to have taken part in. As I read notes left at the shrine erected on the sidewalk dwelling place that was John’s, an awe and confusion filled me. Awe because we so seldom express our regard for one another’s humanity…but somehow this awe that’s in all of us somewhere gushes out when a human life is lost. Confusion because some of the messages left seemed awfully at odds with each other. Compassion for a life lost, prayers for peace, and regret for not expressing more love while John lived—in contrast to calls for justice and violence to whoever perpetrated the crime.

Which makes the poster seem like a succinct statement in response. Seeing John’s face will be a reminder of peace and kindness to those who miss him as well as a bitter reminder of humanity destroyed to those involved in the crime.

I have a hope that violence is almost never aimed at destroying humanity. As I talked with the young men at the continuation school about gangs, we came up with the realization that aggression isn’t based against a person, against a human being. Aggression shown by gangs is against where you’re from or who you’re associated with. While it pains my heart that such violence is created because of things outside of personal control, it also grows hope in me that man, humanity, is a much harder target to aim disrespect at.

So what is my place in shedding light on the humanity of different human beings that may have been forgotten as human? In war we no longer have to see the eyes of the person we kill. In business we no longer have connections to the person we rob. In our lives we no longer have much contact with the disinherited, disenfranchised, damned, different.

In the Bible we see two contrasts. The Old Testament with God standing behind armies and the New Testament with Christ disappointing the Jews waiting for a triumphal, conquering Messiah. It’s quite easy for me to say I’ll certainly never go into the military. But can I say that I’m ready for our whole military to stop working? Am I ready for the repercussions of treating each and every human being on earth as a unique, distinct creation of God worthy of love and having their basic needs met?

I feel like until I can answer those questions it’s somewhat extraneous to figure out for myself the Biblical stance on war. Christ took God’s laws and cut to the heart of them. The heart of God is love. Which is why I’m so thankful for grace – because I know I will never love perfectly. But for now I feel reawakened to ask my self some difficult questions about what it means to love. But for now I feel reawakened to ask some difficult questions of myself about what it means to love. To love in people and places around me. To keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to the undercurrents running beneath day-to-day happenings and people’s facades.

What does it mean to love?

Today began the first day of my teaching classes since last January. It was splendid! The classes I taught today are being held at a continuation high school in Watts. I usually begin my first class with a little get-to-know-you game. Students pick two cards, each with a question. They then choose one question to answer themselves and one to ask me.

A put-together young lady in the back row, looking to be in 11th or 12th grade, read her first card, “If you spend a week doing whatever you wanted, what would it be?” She said that if she were 21 she would spend the week clubbing, because she really like dancing. When I asked if she would stay in Los Angeles or go somewhere else to do this, she thought for a moment and replied, “Well maybe like Inglewood, Carson, or Long Beach.”

For those of you who aren’t from the LA area – all of these places are 5 to 15miles away from Watts! Given the opportunity to go anywhere and do anything…she chooses to stay very close to her small world.

One could read this and conclude that this young lady must really love her home. Unfortunately, I don’t think her answer is so heartwarming. Although kids from the inner city live in and near places where worlds meet and diversity abounds – they themselves are usually drastically confined to their own personal complexes walled within their neighborhoods. Sometimes to extents that may cause disbelief. Such as a kid from MacArthur Park never having been to the beach (merely 15 miles away.) Almost like living at the base of the Alps and never having seen snow!

The smallness of their worlds worries me. How can one dream of a world of opportunity when one isn’t even able to dream of venturing out of one’s own town? I have a feeling my challenge is cut out for me…to open the door of opportunity and encourage these students to dream of making life and sexual choices different then the oppressive and unhealthy situations they have been forced to grow up amongst.

A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

things i like...

• Celebrating my best friend's 30th birthday (mine is coming up soon) and looking forward to this new decade in life

• Getting my iTunes to run off a new external hard drive. And surpisingly simple to do at that, thanks to help from this ilounge article. I now have 16.2 GB free on my whooping 27.9 GB laptop hard drive...a huge increase from the mere MB's available to me just a few days ago (although the purchase of this external hard drive had to take precedence over the purchase of a wetsuit...which I'll be needing to surf with quite soon)...which leads me to...

• A welcoming hint of fall in the air - I think September thru December could be labeled as my favorite string of months.

• Living in intentional community, there's nothing quite like it. (I promise we're not as stoic as we were trying to look in this picture!)

• Car alarms set off by my Studebaker driving by! Heehee...it just makes me a little proud.

• Coffee in the morning, especially when its the weekend and my Financial Times has been delivered. (Yes, I read the FT (only the weekend edition) - a fantastic paper if you haven't read it before - and based out of London, so unfortunately I trust it more. I read it not because I care greatly about finances...but rather, it provides a good overview of world news, great editorial pieces, and always an interesting story on art/culture/politics/etc.) In fact...look for a soon-to-be new sidebar with vocabulary words I like - most usually found while reading FT. By the way, did you see the new recipe section on sidebar to your right? I've been enjoying some cooking as of late - really all sorts of domestic things. I've been on a gluten-free diet for the past month. I'm feeling much better than I was, and it surprisingly isn't that hard to follow...especially with brown rice bread and the delicous non-wheat cupcakes I made on saturday!

• Liking my job again. Sex education...some body's gotta do it - and I feel privileged to at the moment.

• Going out for special girl time with Shirley and Adia to see Sleeping Beauty play at El Capitan theater. Way to make a movie into an event!

pink

Being quite the girly-girl, pink has always been a present color (though never a primary one). Just a few weeks ago, I had a overwhelming urge to wear something pink. And when I say “pink,” I mean that sugery-sweet cotton-candy color of soft pink. But I was shocked when I turned to a completely lacking closet. Who pulled the plug and drained all of the pink from my closet?! Despite the frilly skirts, puffy sleeves, and silk shirts that abound in my wardrobe—it’s as if the absence of pink is a ding to my femininity.

Being the youngest of four and the only girl, I’ve been swaddled in pinks from the day I was born. From the hot pink tu-tu for my tap dancing recital to the elegant blush-colored easter dress—pink has always been en vogue in my fashion book. However, its been a surprising 10 years since I last recall purchasing a pink clothing piece…it was a short-sleeved angora sweater since lost from my collection. One day while wearing said sweater my grandfather commented on how pretty I looked. It was an out-of-the-blue sort of compliment, the kind that gets to you the most. It wouldn’t have surprised me if I went on wearing pink every day just because of it.

So the moment I noticed the pink flight in my closet, I promptly set out to rectify the situation. Much to my dismay, I’ve been completely unsuccessful. Sure, I’m sorely lacking in finances and so I’ve been relegated to the very inexpensive LA street-side shops…but surely there are other gals out there who also want pink?! Are we that limited to the color trends that when a girl is searching for the perfect pink blouse, there’s not one to be found?

Of course, I have found some pink-ish articles of clothing. The $3 bargain ribbed tank in either barely-there pink or fuschia. The light pink polo shirt. And a number of loud, look-at-me pinks that simply don’t begin to fit the bill. What I’m looking for is the understated, makes-you-feel –like-a-woman-the-minute-you-put-it-on sort of pink clothing…not too white of a pink and not too bright of a pink.

Searching Ebay for “pink” under women’s clothing returned gauds of lingerie, Victoria Secret branded “Pink,” and a varied assortment of fashion disasters. I had a momentary spark of hope when I remembered Betsey Johnson – her stores are clad in pink, surely she must have something. Turnign to Ebay once again, I was disappointed. While there was one gorgeous Betsey Johnson party dress and another lovely blouse…neither were in my size (nor my budget).

So what’s a girl to do? I think I have no choice but to dive even deeper into the feminine and pull out my sewing machine. When the world doesn’t present me with the choices that I care to choose from, I’m always glad to be able to choose my own way. And hopefully, with a quick trip to the fabric district and an afternoon with my faithful machine – I’ll be frolicking on a hillside out in the blue yonder….wearing nothing but fabulous PINK!

<<<*P.S.*>>> I did take to my machine…but ended up sewing a dress in blue. The dress fit so fantastically I decided to make a skirt in the same pattern, using a fabulous piece of material I’d been saving. It’s a woven wool with both pink and black threads. I’m particularly proud of this article as I took the extra effort to finish off the inner seams with a Hong Kong finish, using the most fabulous color of pink silk (of which I also added a pleat panel with). And if this weren’t enough…I finally found a bargain of a shirt quite unexpectedly…which I think fits the bill quite nice. It’s good to be back in pink again!

Baby Borrowers

I’ve been following the show The Baby Borrowers for work purposes and have just been exploring the NBC website for the show. On the message board was a post regarding the teens sleeping in the same beds. I’m astounded, saddened, and frustrated after reading the posts.
For those who haven’t seen it, The Baby Borrowers is a reality show that put teen couples in an adult situation for a few weeks and gave them a taste of what it would be like to care for a baby. Said message board post began with a woman “disgusted” by airing of teens sleeping together and who turned the show off as soon as she saw the teen couples in the same beds. People bantered back and forth on two extremes for 7 pages of posts. Very, very few took anywhere near a logical stance. On one extreme were people talking about “fornication” and sin while the other extreme berated them for having any opinion on the issue and told them to get realistic or turn their TVs off.

Where do I start? First, a word about “Entertainment.” Many posts noted that this was just “entertainment” so “should stop complaining.” Being entertained is the golden chalice of our current society—what we’re continually seeking. Entertainment, albeit created for our enjoyment, carries within it intrinsic values, messages, and meanings. Too many people are fooled that what they’re watching on TV is having no effect on how one lives out their life. Marketing is just one small proof of this.

And on to the main subject, sleeping in the same bed. I think of two main points not being understood here. A failure to see the reality of how teens are integrating sexuality into their lives and an enormous lack of understanding as to the qualities which make a marriage successful and lasting.

Teens are integrating sexuality the way they’ve seen it modeled for them by those in their lives and the society at large. What does this mean? Largely….Failed relationships. Betrayed trusts and intimacies. Seeking to fill ones needs and desires.

And why so much bad modeling? Perhaps it leads from a lack of understanding as to the qualities which make a marriage successful and lasting. Sacrificing of oneself and commitment. No marriage will last without these. People arguing for living together before marriage because you get to “see what they’re really like” are missing the point. There are no guarantees with people. Even if you did completely know everything about them before “I do” doesn’t mean that they might not shift tremendously sometime down the road. Yes…spend plenty of time and energy in getting to know the person you’re marrying – in all sorts of aspects. But when that time comes to decide about marrying that person—you must decide if you want to commit to them for better or worse. To fully give of yourself to build a marriage and make it work. I’ve never heard anyone say marriage is easy. But those I know with the longest and best marriages say that every bit of work they’ve put into their marriage has been worth the effort.

In my job seeking to reduce teen pregnancies I get to hear all the arguments about what and how we should teach our teens about sex. Our society’s polarity surrounding sexual topics detracts from beginning a helpful conversation. We could give teens the best “sexual” educations possible—but will be, I think, missing the point if we fail to instruct them on what marriage is truly about and what it takes to make marriage work. And our society will continue to be full of hurting individuals until we learn that the most precious things in life come with a cost. Love is one of those things that require you to give it away in order to really get it.